MAKE THEM FEEL LIKE THEY WILL LOSE IF THEY DON'T ACT
People will take more risks to avoid a loss than to realize a gain. Make sure your counterpart sees that there is something to lose by inaction.

GIVE TO RECEIVE
Whether we like to recognize it or not, a universal rule of human nature, across all cultures, is that when somebody gives you something, they expect something in return. And they won’t give anything else until you pay them back.

"HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO DO THAT?"
It’s a “how” question, and “how” engages because “how” asks for help.

When you go into a store, instead of telling the salesclerk what you “need,” you can describe what you’re looking for and ask for suggestions. Then, once you’ve picked out what you want, instead of hitting them with a hard offer, you can just say the price is a bit more than you budgeted and ask for help with one of the greatest-of-all-time calibrated questions: “How am I supposed to do that?”

The critical part of this approach is that you really are asking for help and your delivery must convey that. With this negotiating scheme, instead of bullying the clerk, you’re asking for their advice and giving them the illusion of control.

As long as she stayed cool, they would hear it as a problem to be solved. The client had called with another request and she had finally gotten up the courage to summarize the situation, and ask, “How am I supposed to do that?” And you know what? The answer she got was “You’re right, you can’t and I apologize.” Now, think about how my client’s question worked: without accusing them of anything, it pushed the big company to understand her problem and offer the solution she wanted. That in a nutshell is the whole point of open-ended questions that are calibrated for a specific effect.  Once he finished his request, she calmly asked a “How” question: “I’d love to help,” she said, “but how am I supposed to do that?” By indicating her willingness to work but asking for help finding a way to do so, she left her deadbeat customer with no choice but to put her needs ahead of everything else. And she got paid.

Calibrated “How” questions are a surefire way to keep negotiations going. They put the pressure on your counterpart to come up with answers, and to contemplate your problems when making their demands.

The trick to “How” questions is that, correctly used, they are gentle and graceful ways to say “No” and guide your counterpart to develop a better solution—your solution.

ANSWERING YOUR "HOW" MAKES THEM FEEL LIKE THEY ARE CALLING THE SHOTS
The secret to gaining the upper hand in a negotiation is giving the other side the illusion of control.

“When you originally approved this trip, what did you have in mind?” That question, calibrated to acknowledge his power and nudge him toward explaining himself, gave him the illusion of control. And it got me just what I wanted.

By making your counterparts articulate implementation in their own words, your carefully calibrated “How” questions will convince them that the final solution is their idea. And that’s crucial.

People always make more effort to implement a solution when they think it’s theirs. That is simply human nature. That’s why negotiation is often called “the art of letting someone else have your way.”

There are two key questions you can ask to push your counterparts to think they are defining success their way:
- “How will we know we’re on track?”
- “How will we address things if we find we’re off track?”
When they answer, you summarize their answers until you get a “That’s right.” Then you’ll know they’ve bought in.

"YOU'RE RIGHT" AND "I'LL TRY" ARE RED FLAGS
On the flip side, be wary of two telling signs that your counterpart doesn’t believe the idea is theirs. As I’ve noted, when they say, “You’re right,” it’s often a good indicator they are not vested in what is being discussed. And when you push for implementation and they say, “I’ll try,” you should get a sinking feeling in your stomach. Because this really means, “I plan to fail.”

When you hear either of these, dive back in with calibrated “How” questions until they define the terms of successful implementation in their own voice. Follow up by summarizing what they have said to get a “That’s right.”

USE "WHAT" AND "HOW" TO CALIBRATE NEARLY ANY QUESTION
“Does this look like something you would like?” can become “How does this look to you?” or “What about this works for you?” You can even ask, “What about this doesn’t work for you?” and you’ll probably trigger quite a bit of useful information from your counterpart.

Even something as harsh as “Why did you do it?” can be calibrated to “What caused you to do it?” which takes away the emotion and makes the question less accusatory.

“What is the biggest challenge you face?” is one of those questions. It just gets the other side to teach you something about themselves, which is critical to any negotiation because all negotiation is an information-gathering process.

Here are some other great standbys that I use in almost every negotiation, depending on the situation: What about this is important to you? How can I help to make this better for us? How would you like me to proceed? What is it that brought us into this situation? How can we solve this problem? What’s the objective? / What are we trying to accomplish here? How am I supposed to do that?

“Yes” is nothing without “How.” Let the other side feel victory. Let them think it was their idea. Subsume your ego. Remember: “Yes” is nothing without “How.” So keep asking “How?” And succeed.

NONE OF THIS WORKS WITHOUT SELF-CONTROL AND EMOTIONAL SELF REGULATION
If you can’t control your own emotions, how can you expect to influence the emotions of another party?

My client decided she’d had enough and invoiced the CEO for the last bit of work she’d done (about $7,000) and politely said that the arrangement wasn’t working out. The CEO answered by saying the bill was too high, that he’d pay half of it and that they would talk about the rest.
The script we came up with hit all the best practices of negotiation we’ve talked about so far.

Here it is by steps:
- A “No”-oriented email question to reinitiate contact: “Have you given up on settling this amicably?”

- A statement that leaves only the answer of “That’s right” to form a dynamic of agreement: “It seems that you feel my bill is not justified.”

- Calibrated questions about the problem to get him to reveal his thinking: “How does this bill violate our agreement?”

- More “No”-oriented questions to remove unspoken barriers: “Are you saying I misled you?” “Are you saying I didn’t do as you asked?” “Are you saying I reneged on our agreement?” or “Are you saying I failed you?”

- Labeling and mirroring the essence of his answers if they are not acceptable so he has to consider them again: “It seems like you feel my work was subpar.” Or “… my work was subpar?”

- A calibrated question in reply to any offer other than full payment, in order to get him to offer a solution: “How am I supposed to accept that?”

- If none of this gets an offer of full payment, a label that flatters his sense of control and power: “It seems like you are the type of person who prides himself on the way he does business—rightfully so—and has a knack for not only expanding the pie but making the ship run more efficiently.”

- A long pause and then one more “No”-oriented question: “Do you want to be known as someone who doesn’t fulfill agreements?”

From my long experience in negotiation, scripts like this have a 90 percent success rate. That is, if the negotiator stays calm and rational. And that’s a big if.

DO NOT COUNTERATTACK
Another simple rule is, when you are verbally assaulted, do not counterattack. Instead, disarm your counterpart by asking a calibrated question.

“You’re right. That was a bit harsh.”

THE LISTENER HAS MORE POWER THAN THE TALKER
Who has control in a conversation, the guy listening or the guy talking? The listener, of course. That’s because the talker is revealing information while the listener, if he’s trained well, is directing the conversation toward his own goals. He’s harnessing the talker’s energy for his own ends.

In any negotiation, it’s not how well you speak but how well you listen that determines your success.

DON'T USE "WHY"
Don’t ask questions that start with “Why” unless you want your counterpart to defend a goal that serves you. “Why” is always an accusation, in any language.

USING "HOW" TO BRING DOWN $5 MILLION DEMAND TO $16,500
“All we’re going to say is, ‘Hey, how do we know José is okay? How are we supposed to pay until we know José is okay?’ Again and again,” I told them.

My guys told Julie to answer every one of the kidnappers’ demands with a question. My strategy was to keep the kidnappers engaged but off balance. “How do I know José is alive?” she asked the first time they talked. To their demand for $5 million, she said, “We don’t have that kind of money. How can we raise that much?” “How can we pay you anything until we know José is okay?” Julie asked the next time they talked. Questions, always questions.

The kidnapper who was negotiating with Julie seemed extremely perplexed by her persistent questions, and he kept asking for time to think. That slowed everything down, but he never got angry with Julie. Answering questions gave him the illusion that he had control of the negotiation.

By constantly asking questions and making minuscule offers, Julie drove the ransom down to $16,500. When they came to that number, the kidnappers demanded she get it to them immediately.

“How can I do that when I have to sell my cars and trucks?” she asked. Always buying more time.

USING "HOW" TO GET EVERYONE ONBOARD
How does this affect everybody else? How on board is the rest of your team? How do we make sure that we deliver the right material to the right people? How do we ensure the managers of those we’re training are fully on board?

DOES THE TONE AND BODY LANGUAGE MATCH THEIR WORDS?
UCLA psychology professor Albert Mehrabian created the 7-38-55 rule. That is, only 7 percent of a message is based on the words while 38 percent comes from the tone of voice and 55 percent from the speaker’s body language and face.

So how do you use this rule? First, pay very close attention to tone and body language to make sure they match up with the literal meaning of the words. If they don’t align, it’s quite possible that the speaker is lying or at least unconvinced.

Here’s an example:
You: “So we’re agreed?”
Them: “Yes …”
You: “I heard you say, ‘Yes,’ but it seemed like there was hesitation in your voice.”
Them: “Oh, it’s nothing really.”
You: “No, this is important, let’s make sure we get this right.”
Them: “Thanks, I appreciate it.”
This is the way to make sure your agreement gets implemented with no surprises. And your counterpart will be grateful.

MAKE THE OTHER GUY AGREE 3 TIMES
The Rule of Three is simply getting the other guy to agree to the same thing three times in the same conversation. It’s tripling the strength of whatever dynamic you’re trying to drill into at the moment. In doing so, it uncovers problems before they happen. It’s really hard to repeatedly lie or fake conviction.

- The first time they agree to something or give you a commitment, that’s No. 1.
- For No. 2 you might label or summarize what they said so they answer, “That’s right.”
- And No. 3 could be a calibrated “How” or “What” question about implementation that asks them to explain what will constitute success, something like “What do we do if we get off track?”

Or the three times might just be the same calibrated question phrased three different ways, like - “What’s the biggest challenge you faced?
- What are we up against here?
- What do you see as being the most difficult thing to get around?”

IF THEY ARE TRYING TOO HARD TO BE BELIEVABLE, THEY ARE LYING
The researchers dubbed this the Pinocchio Effect because, just like Pinocchio’s nose, the number of words grew along with the lie. People who are lying are, understandably, more worried about being believed, so they work harder—too hard, as it were—at being believable.

HERE IS HOW YOU KNOW IF YOU ARE TALKING TO THE DECISION MAKER
The more in love they are with “I,” “me,” and “my” the less important they are.

Conversely, the harder it is to get a first person pronoun out of a negotiator’s mouth, the more important they are. Smart decision makers don’t want to be cornered at the table into making a decision. They will defer to the people away from the table to keep from getting pinned down.

Our cabdriver kidnapper in the Philippines of Alastair Onglingswan used “we,” “they,” and “them” so rigorously early on in the kidnapping I was convinced we were engaged with their leader.

MY NAME IS _______
A few years ago I was in a bar in Kansas with a bunch of fellow FBI negotiators. The bar was packed, but I saw one empty chair. I moved toward it but just as I got ready to sit the guy next to it said, “Don’t even think about it.” “Why?” I asked, and he said, “Because I’ll kick your ass.”
I held out my hand to shake his and said, “My name is Chris.” The dude froze, and in the pause my fellow FBI guys moved in, patted him on the shoulders, and offered to buy him a drink. Turned out he was a Vietnam veteran at a particularly low point. As soon as I became “Chris,” everything changed.

I asked her if I got a discount for joining and she said, “No.” So I decided to try another angle. I said in a friendly manner, “My name is Chris. What’s the Chris discount?” She looked from the register, met my eyes, and gave a little laugh. “I’ll have to ask my manager, Kathy,” she said and turned to the woman who’d been standing next to her. Kathy, who’d heard the whole exchange, said, “The best I can do is ten percent.”

Humanize yourself. Use your name to introduce yourself. Say it in a fun, friendly way. Let them enjoy the interaction, too. And get your own special price.

THE 4 WAYS OF SAYING "NO" WITHOUT SAYING "NO"
(1) The first step in the “No” series is the old standby: “How am I supposed to do that?”

(2) After that, some version of “Your offer is very generous, I’m sorry, that just doesn’t work for me” is an elegant second way to say “No.”

(3) Then you can use something like “I’m sorry but I’m afraid I just can’t do that.”

(4) “I’m sorry, no” is a slightly more succinct version for the fourth “No.” If delivered gently, it barely sounds negative at all.

EXAMPLE:
He offered me the usual smile—he had me, he thought—and mentioned the sticker price on “that beautiful vehicle”: $36,000.

“I can pay $30,000,” I said. “And I can pay it up front, all cash. I’ll write a check today for the full amount. I’m sorry, I’m afraid I just can’t pay any more.”

“I’m sure you can understand we can’t do that. The sticker price is $36,000, after all.”

(1) “How am I supposed to do that?” I asked deferentially. “I’m sure,” he said, then paused as if he wasn’t sure what he’d meant to say. “I’m sure we can figure something out with financing the $36,000.”

(2) “It’s a beautiful truck. Really amazing. I can’t tell you how much I’d love to have it. It’s worth more than what I’m offering. I’m sorry, this is really embarrassing. I just can’t do that price.”

Any response that’s not an outright rejection of your offer means you have the edge. He returned and told me like it was Christmas that his boss had okayed a new price: $34,000.

(3) “Wow, your offer is very generous and this is the car of my dreams,” I said. “I really wish I could do that. I really do. This is so embarrassing. I simply can’t.”

He dropped into silence and I didn’t take the bait. I let the silence linger. And then with a sigh he trudged off again. He returned after another eternity.

“You win,” he said. “My manager okayed $32,500.” He pushed a paper across the desk that even said “YOU WIN” in big letters. The words were even surrounded with smiley faces.

(4) “I am so grateful. You’ve been very generous, and I can’t thank you enough. The truck is no doubt worth more than my price,” I said. “I’m sorry, I just can’t do that.”

Up he stood again. No smile now. Still befuddled. After a few seconds, he walked back to his manager and I leaned back. I could taste victory. A minute later—no eternity this time—he returned and sat. “We can do that,” he said.

Two days later, I drove off in my Salsa Red Pearl Toyota 4Runner—for $30,000. God I love that truck. Still drive it today.

YOU HAVE TO BE YOURSELF
There is one basic truth about a successful bargaining style: To be good, you have to learn to be yourself at the bargaining table. To be great you have to add to your strengths, not replace them.

SMILE
The single biggest thing you can do is to smile when you speak. People will be more forthcoming with information to you as a result. Smiling can also become a habit that makes it easy for you to mask any moments you’ve been caught off guard.

HOW TO RESPOND WHEN SOMEONE SETS THE ANCHOR
As a well-prepared negotiator who seeks information and gathers it relentlessly, you’re actually going to want the other guy to name a price first, because you want to see his hand. You’re going to welcome the extreme anchor. But extreme anchoring is powerful and you’re human: your emotions may well up.

First, deflect the punch in a way that opens up your counterpart. Successful negotiators often say “No” in one of the many ways we’ve talked about (“How am I supposed to accept that?”)

Or deflect the anchor with questions like “What are we trying to accomplish here?” Responses like these are great ways to refocus your counterpart when you feel you’re being pulled into the compromise trap.

You can do this directly by saying, in an encouraging tone of voice, “Let’s put price off to the side for a moment and talk about what would make this a good deal.”

Or you could go at it more obliquely by asking, “What else would you be able to offer to make that a good price for me?”

No matter what happens, the point here is to sponge up information from your counterpart. Letting your counterpart anchor first will give you a tremendous feel for him. All you need to learn is how to take the first punch.

When someone puts out a ridiculous offer, one that really pisses you off, take a deep breath, allow little anger, and channel it—at the proposal, not the person—and say, “I don’t see how that would ever work.”

HOW TO SET THE ANCHOR IF YOU GO FIRST
You can bend your counterpart’s reality by anchoring his starting point. Before you make an offer, emotionally anchor them by saying how bad it will be. When you get to numbers, set an extreme anchor to make your “real” offer seem reasonable, or use a range to seem less aggressive. The real value of anything depends on what vantage point you’re looking at it from.

If the other side pushes you to go first, wriggle from his grip. Instead of naming a price, allude to an incredibly high number that someone else might charge. Once when a hospital chain wanted me to name a price first, I said, “Well, if you go to Harvard Business School, they’re going to charge you $2,500 a day per student.”

"I AM SORRY, THAT JUST DOESN'T WORK FOR ME"
Threats delivered without anger but with “poise”—that is, confidence and self-control—are great tools. Saying, “I’m sorry that just doesn’t work for me,” with poise, works.

WHEN YOU SHOULD USE A "WHY"
If you are working to lure a client away from a competitor, you might say, “Why would you ever do business with me? Why would you ever change from your existing supplier? They’re great!” In these questions, the “Why?” coaxes your counterpart into working for you.

HOW TO RESPOND TO UNPRODUCTIVE STATEMENTS
When you want to counteract unproductive statements from your counterpart, you can say, “I feel ___ when you ___ because ___,” and that demands a time-out from the other person. But be careful with the big “I”: You have to be mindful not to use a tone that is aggressive or creates an argument. It’s got to be cool and level.

YOU HAVE TO BE OK WITH SAYING "NO" AND WALKING AWAY
We’ve said previously that no deal is better than a bad deal. If you feel you can’t say “No” then you’ve taken yourself hostage.

Once you’re clear on what your bottom line is, you have to be willing to walk away. Never be needy for a deal.

THE PERSON IS NOT THE PROBLEM, THE ISSUE IS
The person across the table is never the problem. The unsolved issue is. So focus on the issue. This is one of the most basic tactics for avoiding emotional escalations.

Taking a positive, constructive approach to conflict involves understanding that the bond is fundamental to any resolution. Never create an enemy.

THE ACKERMAN MODEL
The systematized and easy-to-remember process has only four steps: Set your target price (your goal). Set your first offer at 65 percent of your target price. Calculate three raises of decreasing increments (to 85, 95, and 100 percent). Use lots of empathy and different ways of saying “No” to get the other side to counter before you increase your offer.

When calculating the final amount, use precise, nonround numbers like, say, $37,893 rather than $38,000. It gives the number credibility and weight. On your final number, throw in a nonmonetary item (that they probably don’t want) to show you’re at your limit.

The genius of this system is that it incorporates the psychological tactics we’ve discussed—reciprocity, extreme anchors, loss aversion, and so on—without you needing to think about them.

EXAMPLE:
“Even though your building is better in terms of location and services, how am I supposed to pay $200 extra?”

The agent went silent for a few moments and then said, “You make a good point, but this is still a good price. And as you noted, we can charge a premium.”

Mishary then dropped an extreme anchor. “I fully understand, you do have a better location and amenities. But I’m sorry, I just can’t,” he said. “Would $1,730 a month for a year lease sound fair to you?”

The agent laughed and when he finished said there was no way to accept that number, because it was way below market price.

Instead of getting pulled into a haggle, Mishary smartly pivoted to calibrated questions.

“Okay, so please help me understand: how do you price lease renewals?”

The agent didn’t say anything shocking—merely that they used factors like area prices and supply-and-demand—but that gave Mishary the opening to argue that his leaving would open the landlord to the risk of having an unrented apartment and the cost of repainting. One month unrented would be a $2,000 loss, he said.

“Let me try and move along with you: how about $1,790 for 12 months?”

The agent paused. “Sir, I understand your concerns, and what you said makes sense,” he said. “Your number, though, is very low. However, give me time to think this out and we can meet at another time. How does that sound?”

Remember, any response that is not an outright rejection means you have the edge.

Five days later the two met again. “I ran the numbers, and believe me this is a good deal,” the agent started. “I am able to offer you $1,950 a month for a year.”

“That is generous of you, but how am I supposed to accept it when I can move a few blocks away and stay for $1,800? A hundred and fifty dollars a month means a lot to me. You know I am a student. I don’t know, it seems like you would rather run the risk of keeping the place unrented.”

“It’s not that,” the agent answered. “But I can’t give you a number lower than the market.”

“Then I tell you what, I initially went up from $1,730 to $1,790,” he said, sighing. “I will bring it up to $1,810. And I think this works well for both.”

The agent shook his head. “This is still lower than the market, sir. And I cannot do that.”

Mishary then prepared to give the last of his Ackerman offers. He went silent for a while and then asked the agent for a pen and paper. Then he started doing fake calculations to seem like he was really pushing himself.

Finally, he looked up at the agent and said, “I did some numbers, and the maximum I can afford is $1,829.”

“Wow. $1,829,” he said. “You seem very precise. You must be an accountant. [Mishary was not.] Listen, I value you wanting to renew with us and for that I think we can make this work for a twelve-month lease.”

Ka-ching! Notice this brilliant combination of decreasing Ackerman offers, nonround numbers, deep research, smart labeling, and saying no without saying “No”?

USE NON-ROUND NUMBERS
Notice that you can’t buy anything for $2, but you can buy a million things for $1.99. How does a cent change anything? It doesn’t. But it makes a difference every time. We just like $1.99 more than $2.00 even if we know it’s a trick.

YOU FALL TO YOUR HIGHEST LEVEL OF PREPARATION
Identify your counterpart’s negotiating style. Once you know whether they are Accommodator, Assertive, or Analyst, you’ll know the correct way to approach them.

Prepare, prepare, prepare. When the pressure is on, you don’t rise to the occasion; you fall to your highest level of preparation. So design an ambitious but legitimate goal and then game out the labels, calibrated questions, and responses you’ll use to get there. That way, once you’re at the bargaining table, you won’t have to wing it.

When the pressure is on, you don’t rise to the occasion—you fall to your highest level of preparation.

REMAIN FLEXIBLE AND ADAPTABLE
You have to open up your established pathways and embrace more intuitive and nuanced ways of listening.

The world didn’t tell Steve Jobs that it wanted an iPad: he uncovered our need, that Black Swan, without us knowing the information was there.

You have to feel for the truth behind the camouflage; you have to note the small pauses that suggest discomfort and lies. Don’t look to verify what you expect. If you do, that’s what you’ll find. Instead, you must open yourself up to the factual reality that is in front of you.

No matter how much research our team has done prior to the interaction, we always ask ourselves, “Why are they communicating what they are communicating right now?”

DON'T FOCUS ON THE END RESULT. FOCUS ON THE NEXT STEP.
Remember, negotiation is more like walking on a tightrope than competing against an opponent. Focusing so much on the end objective will only distract you from the next step, and that can cause you to fall off the rope. Concentrate on the next step because the rope will lead you to the end as long as all the steps are completed.

LEVERAGE DEPENDS ON VARIABLES
If you need to sell your house now, you have less leverage than if you don’t have a deadline. If you want to sell it but don’t have to, you have more. And if various people are bidding on it at once, good on you.

The party who feels they have more to lose and are the most afraid of that loss has less leverage, and vice versa.

THERE ARE 3 TYPES OF LEVERAGE
POSITIVE - Whenever the other side says, “I want …” as in, “I want to buy your car,” you have positive leverage.

NEGATIVE - You have negative leverage if you can tell your counterpart, “If you don’t fulfill your commitment/pay your bill/etc., I will destroy your reputation.” Getting a good deal may push us toward making a risky bet, but saving our reputation from destruction is a much stronger motivation.

NORMATIVE - Sentences like “It seems like you strongly value the fact that you’ve always paid on time” or “It seems like you don’t care what position you are leaving me in” can really open up the negotiation process.

Black Swans are leverage multipliers. Remember the three types of leverage: positive (the ability to give someone what they want); negative (the ability to hurt someone); and normative (using your counterpart’s norms to bring them around).

TALK TO THEIR BELIEFS
Digging into your counterpart’s “religion” (sometimes involving God but not always) inherently implies moving beyond the negotiating table and into the life, emotional and otherwise, of your counterpart.

By positioning your demands within the worldview your counterpart uses to make decisions, you show them respect and that gets you attention and results.

Research by social scientists has confirmed something effective negotiators have known for ages: namely, we trust people more when we view them as being similar or familiar.

Similarities as shallow as club memberships or college alumni status increase rapport.

“This is really stewardship for you, isn’t it?” I said. His voice immediately strengthened. “Yes! You’re the only one who understands,” he said. And he hired us at that moment. By showing that I understood his deeper reasons for being and accessing a sense of similarity, of mutual belongingness, I was able to bring him to the deal.

Ted Leonsis is great at this. As the owner of the Washington Wizards professional basketball team and the Washington Capitals professional hockey team, he is always talking about creating the immortal moments in sports that people will tell their grandchildren about. Who doesn’t want to come to an agreement with someone who is going to make them immortal?

BEST WAY TO GET EMAIL RESPONSES
The problem was that his contact had suddenly stopped responding. So we told him to send a version of our classic email for nonresponders, the one that always works: “Have you given up on finalizing this deal this year?”

If he doesn't respond then your counterpart is not irrational, but simply ill-informed, constrained, or obeying interests that you do not yet know.

WAYS OF UNEARTHING BLACK SWANS
GET FACE TIME - No matter how much research you do, there’s just some information that you are not going to find out unless you sit face-to-face.

OBSERVE UNGUARDED MOMENTS - During a typical business meeting, the first few minutes, before you actually get down to business, and the last few moments, as everyone is leaving, often tell you more about the other side than anything in between.

ANOTHER NEGOTIATION EXAMPLE
“We are willing to offer $3.4 million.”

Later that day, the broker came back with a counteroffer. The seller had told him that the number was too low, but he was willing to take $3.7 million.

“That is closer to what we believe the value to be,” he said, “but we cannot in good conscience pay more than $3.55 million.”

“I am only authorized to go down to $3.6 million,” the broker answered

My student’s boss signaled to him that $3.6 million worked and he agreed to the price.

It also bears noting that my student did tons of work beforehand and had prepared labels and questions so that he was ready to jump on the Black Swan when the broker offered it.

DON'T BE SCARED OF CONFLICT
Our sweaty palms are just an expression of physiological fear, a few trigger-happy neurons firing because of something more base: our innate human desire to get along with other members of the tribe. It’s not the guy across the table who scares us: it’s conflict itself.

If this book accomplishes only one thing, I hope it gets you over that fear of conflict and encourages you to navigate it with empathy.

If you are an honest, decent person looking for a reasonable outcome, you can ignore the amygdala.

When you ask calibrated questions, yes, you are leading your counterpart to your goals. But you are also leading them to examine and articulate what they want and why and how they can achieve it. You are demanding creativity of them, and therefore pushing them toward a collaborative solution.

I’m going to leave you with one request: Whether it’s in the office or around the family dinner table, don’t avoid honest, clear conflict. It will get you the best car price, the higher salary, and the largest donation. It will also save your marriage, your friendship, and your family.

One can only be an exceptional negotiator, and a great person, by both listening and speaking clearly and empathetically; by treating counterparts—and oneself—with dignity and respect; and most of all by being honest about what one wants and what one can—and cannot—do.

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