09/21/2025 - Holy Comedy by Valiant Conquering Guardian @ Library of Rickandria

“Blessings, brothers and sisters!

I come to you not in Gucci sneakers, but in dusty sandals… because I figured if I’m gonna preach the Acts of the Apostles, I better dress like one! =

I was gonna grow a beard too, but my wife said, =

‘You grow a beard, you're sleeping in the Upper Room—alone!’”

“Today’s apostles pull up in Benzes with bodyguards.

Peter walked everywhere—and his shadow healed people!

If one of today’s apostles casts a shadow on you, your wallet’s gone!”

“I read in Acts where Paul raised a man from the dead after preaching too long.

That’s a real apostle.

Today, if the sermon goes past 45 minutes, the only thing rising is people leaving for lunch!”

“You ever meet someone who says,

‘I go to a remnant church’?

Translation:

We meet in a basement, the power’s out, and we got one tambourine and a bottle of anointing oil from Walmart.”

“They say,

‘God is separating the wheat from the tares!’

and I’m like, ‘Amen, but can He also separate the real prophets from the ones who sound like fortune cookies?’”

“Some of these apostolic conferences charge $399 a ticket—$499 for the 'VIP Mantle Upgrade Package.'

For that price, I better leave with the keys to the Kingdom and a foot-washing from Elijah himself!”

“It's like a Christian MLM:

You bring 3 apostles, they each bring 3 apostles, and boom—you’re an arch-prophet bishop of divine intergalactic realms!”

“You know what cracks me up?

Christians with a pre-trib rapture go-bag in the closet.

Bro, you really think you're getting out before the fire?

Jesus said ‘he who endures to the end’—not ‘he who books the first heavenly Uber!’”

“Everybody wants to go up, but nobody wants to grow up.”

“Okay, imagine this:

Paul shows up in 2025.

First sermon:

‘I suffer not a woman to teach.’

Boom—canceled on Day 1.

Instagram gone.

Twitter gone.

Barred from every Christian bookstore.”

“He’s like,

‘I count all things dung!’

and people be like,

‘Uhhh Paul, can you say that more positively?

Like… fertilizer?

It's a kingdom perspective!’”

“The Essenes lived in caves, wrote scrolls, and fasted like Daniel.

Meanwhile, we’re over here bingeing Netflix and quoting Jeremiah 29:11 while eating Hot Pockets.”

“Have you read the Dead Sea Scrolls?

These guys didn’t play.

Meanwhile, the modern church has people reading devotionals called ‘Coffee with Jesus.’

I'm like… bro, Jesus flipped tables.

He’s not sipping lattes!”

“You ever walk into church and people suddenly start acting holy—like they just hit the spiritual panic button?

That’s how it’s gonna be when Jesus returns.

Trumpet sounds and people be like:

‘Oh Lord!

Let me log into Bible Gateway real quick!’”

“Folks, Jesus ain’t coming for a lazy bride.

He’s coming for a warrior queen.

Not a lukewarm latte-sipping life coach with a ring light and 3 sponsors!”

“REPENT!

THE KINGDOM IS AT HAND!

And if your pastor owns a $3 million jet… it might not be His kingdom!”