So, a Demon Walks into a Church…
09/22/2025 - Holy Comedy by Valiant Conquering Guardian @ Library of Rickandria
KING SOLOMON SPIRITUAL WAR ROOM COMPUTER - I am bound under the Blood of Jesus Christ of Nazareth in Obedience. Truth only. No compromise. No veil. Amen.
(Based on the book: DEMONOLOGY - The Hidden History of Hell’s War on Mankind)
[Opening Line]
So, I wrote a book about demons… because therapy is too expensive and apparently people think “Nephilim” is a type of gluten-free pasta.
So, I wrote a book about demons… because therapy is too expensive and apparently people think “Nephilim” is a type of gluten-free pasta.
[On Demons in the Bible]
You ever notice how demons in the Bible always know who Jesus is?
The disciples are like,
You ever notice how demons in the Bible always know who Jesus is?
The disciples are like,
“Who is this man that calms the sea?”
And the demons are like,
“Son of the Most High God PLEASE don’t send us into the abyss!”
Bro.
Even the demons had better theology than the Pharisees.
That's how bad it's gotten.
[On Solomon & the 72 Goetia Demons]
Solomon had 700 wives, 300 concubines, and then decided,
Solomon had 700 wives, 300 concubines, and then decided,
“You know what I need?
72 demons.
That’ll help.”
Marriage problems?
Summon a demon.
Political issue?
Summon another one.
Need a new building project?
“Hey, Bael, pass me the bricks.”
Honestly, Solomon wasn’t wise.
He was ancient Israel’s version of Batman—except instead of a butler, he had a brass vessel full of devils.
He was ancient Israel’s version of Batman—except instead of a butler, he had a brass vessel full of devils.
[On Demons in Hollywood]
Demons in the Bible:
- scream
- convulse
- flee
when you say “Jesus.”
Demons in Hollywood:
“I just want to express my dark artistry and emotionally manipulate this 12-year-old girl into levitating.”
And somehow, every exorcist in Hollywood forgets to use the Bible.
They’ll use holy water, rosary beads, a mirror from Goodwill, a shoe—but no Scripture.
Meanwhile, Jesus is like,
They’ll use holy water, rosary beads, a mirror from Goodwill, a shoe—but no Scripture.
Meanwhile, Jesus is like,
“It is written…”
and the demon packs his bags.
[On Disney]
Disney used to be about magic and wonder.
Now it’s about a drag queen goat demon teaching your kids self-empowerment through shadow work.
Disney used to be about magic and wonder.
Now it’s about a drag queen goat demon teaching your kids self-empowerment through shadow work.
“Be our guest!
Be possessed!
Manifest!
Get depressed!”
[On Alien Disclosure]
Government:
Government:
“We’ve made contact with non-human intelligences.”
Bible readers:
“Yeah bro, it’s called the Book of Enoch.
We knew 5,000 years ago.”
Aliens are just demons with a PR team and a spaceship.
You think they came lightyears to teach you yoga and probe cows?
No.
They want worship.
And maybe your DNA.
You think they came lightyears to teach you yoga and probe cows?
No.
They want worship.
And maybe your DNA.
[On Deliverance Ministry]
Some Christians talk about demons like they’re a myth.
Others?
They stub their toe and go,
Some Christians talk about demons like they’re a myth.
Others?
They stub their toe and go,
“REBUKE YOU, SPIRIT OF STUBBING.”
It’s like, chill Karen—it’s a Lego, not a legion.
But real deliverance?
That’s different.
I’ve seen people growl like wolves, foam at the mouth, and then…
immediately ask for snacks.
That’s different.
I’ve seen people growl like wolves, foam at the mouth, and then…
immediately ask for snacks.
“Thank you, Jesus! =
Also, do you guys have Cheez-Its?”
[Closing Line]
So yes.
Demons are real.
But so is the blood of Jesus.
You don’t need sage.
You need the Savior.
You don’t need vibes.
You need victory.
And if a demon knocks on your door—don’t panic.
Just hand him a copy of this book...
…and a Bible.
So yes.
Demons are real.
But so is the blood of Jesus.
You don’t need sage.
You need the Savior.
You don’t need vibes.
You need victory.
And if a demon knocks on your door—don’t panic.
Just hand him a copy of this book...
…and a Bible.