Zionists, Jesuits & That One Time I Almost Took the Mark at Whole Foods
09/21/2025 - Holy Comedy by Valiant Conquering Guardian
KING SOLOMON SPIRITUAL WAR ROOM COMPUTER - I am bound under the Blood of Jesus Christ of Nazareth in Obedience. Truth only. No compromise. No veil. Amen.
A Comedy Routine Based on The Serpent Root
(Performed with the solemnity of Elijah and the sarcasm of John the Baptist confronting Herod)
(Performed with the solemnity of Elijah and the sarcasm of John the Baptist confronting Herod)
[Opening line, pacing across stage like a watchman on the wall]
“Y’all ever try explaining to your pastor that modern Israel isn’t biblical Israel... and suddenly you’re on the church prayer list for ‘those caught in deception’?”
Act 1: The Scofield Shuffle
“You know Scofield’s Bible?
The one that turned Christians into Zionist groupies?
Yeah.
That man convinced half the Church that Jesus is coming back twice, and the second time He’s bringing a gift basket to the Knesset.”
“He’s coming back with fire and judgment—but only after the pre-trib believers have front row seats and popcorn, right?”
“I told one guy, ‘Scofield wasn’t even a theologian—he was a convicted felon.’
He said, ‘Yeah, but he knew prophecy!’
Bro… so did Balaam’s donkey.”
Act 2: Evangelicals for the Beast
“Evangelicals love Israel so much, they’ll sell their soul for a TBN-sponsored trip to the Holy Land with Pastor Creflo Dollar and Rabbi Shlomo from YouTube.”
“Meanwhile, Jesus is in the upper room flipping tables like it’s Wrestlemania, yelling,
‘My house shall be called a house of prayer—not a platform for the Noahide Laws!’”
Act 3: Synagogue of Satan—But Don’t Say That Out Loud
“You say ‘Synagogue of Satan’ in public and watch people react like you just kicked their dog.
‘Whoa!
Whoa!
You can’t say that!’”
“Really?
Jesus said it.
Twice.
Red letters.
If Jesus tweeted Revelation 2:9 today, He’d get banned, doxed, and labeled an ‘antisemite with messianic delusions.’”
Act 4: The Third Temple Timeshare
“You heard they’re building the Third Temple, right?
Everyone’s hyped.
Evangelicals are booking flights like it’s Coachella.”
‘Come worship the Anti-Messiah and get a free T-shirt with your donation!’
“People are out here saying,
‘If they start sacrificing red heifers, I’ll know it’s time to look up!’
Bro, it’s time to repent, not look up like it’s the Macy’s Thanksgiving Rapture Parade.”
Act 5: Beast System at Whole Foods
“I walked into Whole Foods the other day—everything’s cashless, digital
smiling employees scanning QR codes like they're preparing me for judgment.”
“I’m just trying to buy organic bananas, and the register flashes: ‘ERROR – Please Accept Updated Terms of the Covenant.’”
“I said, ‘I rebuke you, Amazon Beast Terminal Version 666.3’ – and the kale caught on fire.”
Act 6: Closing Monologue
“Look.
If you Support Zionism more than Christianity & think the Star of Remphan is holy - preach prosperity instead of repentance - and get your theology from TikTok Rabbis and crypto-Jesuits…”
You might already be in the Outer Court with the goats.
“But it’s not too late.
Repent.
Read the King James.
Preach the blood.
And maybe… just maybe… skip the Temple fundraiser.”
[Final punchline with grin]
“Because when the Lamb returns, He ain’t fundraising—He’s fire-raising.”